Siti Aisyah's La Vendetta

2012-02-09T22:56:00.000+08:00

I feel cold. Heavy, empty and I could feel my light fading. At this age, I should be having the time of my life. Enjoying time with friends, surrounded with love. Exploring new things, get myself fit, and meet the love of my life.

But all I want right now is a hug. It's so cold, and I can't bear it anymore! I feel so cold. Someone please, hug me.

So cold. So numb. Every breath is a fight. I should be out there laughing, not in here, feeling empty and crying.

I must have done too many wrongs.

Need to start anew. God, please give me the energy.

2012-01-17T00:02:00.001+08:00

Tonight, as I sit here, I accept. Everything I've done, the good and the bad, I'm accepting the truth. The truth it is all truly my fault.

Every thing.

And it hurts. This sorrow, it hurts. My regrets, my sadness, my memories, I didn't forget, I have denied. Now that I've accepted them, it hurts.

My guilt. My suffering. Oh my god, what have I done?

I've dragged others down with me. I've lied so much, I can't even begin to atone. So many wrongs, so many sins.

On hindsight, I could have avoided those mistakes. But I wasn't wise back then.

Foolish, and even now, I am not wise.

2011-12-31T00:10:00.000+08:00

Well I had a blast today!! Went to USS to celebrate my birthday! Was crazy times man~

though I was sad, celebrating my birthday all alone. When the whole day is over and fireworks was in the sky, I look up and said "Happy Birthday Aisyah".

Was hoping someone would post on my facebook or SMS
me happy birthday, but only two did. Wow, I am truly
forgotten. Well, to a certain someone that always think he is forgotten, well
the real deal is me my friend.

I scared myself going to the rides. But of course I had no one to scream with, so I made some new friends, and talk to myself about how awesome the ride was!

Of course, it is my birthday, so no crying is allowed! Enjoy, scream and run!!! But omg, I was so in rush for the rides, I didn't eat.

LOL.

2011-12-29T17:11:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow, is gonna be my birthday. Most likely, no one is gonna be free. And no one is gonna give me presents. Still remember that time when someone said, Do you think we are just gonna meet together, to celebrate your birthday?

Wow, ouch.

Yes, sad. So, I am going to plan my own birthday outing. Most likely I am going to Resorts World Sentosa, on my birthday, eat some Starbucks whip cream, go on crazy rides! Just go here and there, having fun, take some pictures. Maybe cry in the toilet for a while, and then go out and get some rides again! Maybe buy some souveniors, eat some awesome food, and then go catch a movie,

AND IF I AM REALLY CRAZY, go to like a clubbing place, and announce it is my birthday.

And then go home, and crash on my bed, sleepy.

Execution of plan is counting down right now!

2011-12-23T23:37:00.000+08:00

Finally I am accepting how important I truly am. And yet stay humble and give back to others.

And whenever I find myself a little low, I think about the bigger picture. That there is more to life, and even hardships are temporary. Life is so whole, so big, that if I just get so wrapped up in a single page, I'll be missing out on the whole story.

And I sure as hell, will read the whole book.

2011-12-23T00:12:00.003+08:00

In you.

I see nothing,
Yet I feel
Everything, I reject
You yet I summon
You, In those days
When I am blind,
When I am
Numb, I reach out
To you within
And I breathe just
Once
More.

2011-12-15T18:38:00.000+08:00

I am currently doing nothing. Nothing at all. It's super insulting to myself, this great genius doing insignificant work, wasting precious seconds each day, day in and day out.

What are the things I've been daydreaming about?
Firstly, learn Spanish or German, or even Russian. Perhaps Italian. Why? So I can sound more awesome, and curse you infidels in another language.

Then, I want to learn how to horseride. And shoot a gun. Because, then I get closer to my dream of being Dean Winchester. Not literally, and don't judge. Girls gotta dream.

Of course, I've been swimming and gym-ing for the past few weeks. Too bad it wasn't consistent. Though I did lose my weight till 75. Good start for someone who is yoyoing around 80kg.

I got myself a necklace. An awesome necklace that will forever change my perspective on other necklaces that is on sale, anywhere. Not cool, no symbolic meaning? Nada.

I also got myself a leather jacket. A dark brown leather jacket, ala Dean style. It is an awesome one at that. Though I do find myself getting sick of being so boyish and so called big looking while wearing that jacket. I do want to look girly once in a while.

Got myself new cosmetics, my eyes look great! Not zombie, drug addicted ones, but cheery, I just got enough sex and sleep last night kind of eyes.

White earphones. Make me stand out like a zebra in a supermarket.

Though as hard as I find it, I want to start reading books again. Draw. I cannot focus myself, somehow easily distracted to watch movies, tv, or changing my appearance.

I am really confusing myself. I want to change, but my mind perceives it as change my LOOK. No, brain, I want to change who I am. My habits. My thinking. My Skills.

I need professional help. Extreme behaviour makeover anyone? And could someone with expert knowledge on investments and growing money join in the bandwagon as well?

I need big changes man. Big dreams. and Big balls to do it.

(A Letter to A Star)

2011-12-08T22:04:00.000+08:00

Dear Sir,

Thank you for doing what you love. You utter inspiring words, and push me to realize that life is only limited by my mind. It is so easy to say, yes, I know what it takes to live a great life, but you made me believe and take action. Through your silly actions and insanity, you feel like a friend I never met. You show how important and uplifting an open mind truly is. Your heart shines with kindness and fun that I just cannot resist but follow. What seems to be just moments of fangirling and stalking you on the web, turn into inspiration and true awe of what you have done. Your intelligence, and love for family and people triumphs your good looks.

I joined Gishwhes, just because I think you're adorable. But I came out having new friends all over the world, gotten closer to strangers and friends in ways I cannot imagine before, push my own boundaries of what's normal and a sense of respect for what you're doing. And of course, along the way, lost my mind trying to complete that damn list.

Your strength to hold on to what you love, leading a spiritual life, your willingness to get down and dirty to truly commit to something, your strange sense of humour and such positive way of looking at life is what made me love you. Your good looks are truly not wasted. True, not all what you did is right, but you came out stronger.

I am not trying to inflate your 'overblown ego' as you put it, but I am truly thankful you're alive. I thank God, your parents and everyone who came into your life that partly mold you into who you are. It's just so rare for me to actually feel connected to a 'star'.

I pray that your soul continues to shine and grow stronger, intact in such a strange industry.

And to you, dear reader, thanks for reading.

Thank you, Misha Collins.

& That's why I love you. Stay crazy.

Aisyah.

2011-11-15T20:50:00.000+08:00

If you do fall in love with me, I would like to apologise firsthand. I am sorry that I cannot give you a good family. As in my side of the family. I am sorry that you would not have a good mother-in-law or father-in-law. But I can assure you, your brother-in-law would be great. I like being nice, being honest but not to the point of rudeness, I like being feminine. I like respecting you, even if I don't agree with you. Although my temper might rise a little. I like supporting you where I am able to. I would love to meet your family, and show them my love. Like a family I didn't have. If they are like mine, I am perfectly okay with it. I totally understand.

I do love children as well, if that's okay with you.

I want to be the one you come home to. Hug you, give you a kiss. Cry with you if you just can't talk and just want to let it out. Maybe even join in your bitching if your day was bad. Or give you some alone time if it's too much to bear. Or why not scream together if you're really angry, and then have passionate sex. But promise me, you cannot forget who you are. Cannot forget what makes us fall in love. We love to play,and work on what we love and no one can shape us but us. Trust and vulnerability, understanding and acceptance would be our pillars of strength. You see my ugly side, I see yours and we kiss. Maybe puke here and there, but still brush teeth and kiss. LOL, not literally but you get what I mean.

And if no dinner at home, let's just eat out! Maybe take those silly walks in the park, just talking nonsense. I will even prank you from time to time. Just to piss you, for the fun of it. Or tease you, and when you think I am coming home, I will have a girl night's out and make you miss me. Maybe watch stupid movies, and laugh ourselves to tears.

I am me. I have an ugly past. And my family isn't perfect. I may have such an innocent view of how love should be, but, I am giving my best. I have been hurt bad by 'love', but I still want to give it a chance. For you. So, let's deal with this, together. But never forget who we on our own are, and grow.

And I love you.

2011-11-15T06:10:00.000+08:00

I just wish someone drops dead right now. The stress and the fear plus all the hurts and the rage this person caused is really too unhealthy for me. I don't understand. From being accused of doing something that I did not, insulted on things I cannot change, threatened with murder everytime,unable to even speak anything to my bro or it will be suspected as trying to do sth bad, used as emotional punching bag and sometimes even physical punching bag when something goes wrong, being told constantly that people in this world are evil or jealous of me, being kind to me and then at another sudden minute turn angry and even violent, fighting for the most trivial of matters - blowing it to ridiculous proportions, stuffing us with too much food that have to resort to throwing it secretly/enduring/vommitting, have to find ways to lie in order to feel loved, screamed constantly saying we are insane for just doing sth in a different way or making mistakes, saying very crude and disgusting like "are you crazy for dicks? Huh, you get pregnant, you bloody live yourself", "wish I strangled you when you were little, save me the trouble" , "your v itchy is it? Huh. " And more worse things when all I did is either saying I have a crush on someone or find someone quite handsome or pretty.

Is it any wonder why I'm tired. Sometimes neurotic or even as far as suicidal thoughts? I'm fighting for my sanity here. And I'm praying inside nothing really bad happens. Get me through another day. I don't want to whine but I need some place to vent. I'm honestly scared. Stressed. Confused. I know this isn't as bad as other abuse out there, but I sometimes can't deal with this.

I want a normal life. Healthy family. I'm fucking tired.

2011-11-14T14:39:00.001+08:00

I am suffering. It starts again.I woke up this morning, and I try to hold on to happy thoughts.

But the suffering inside spills out. I can hear myself screaming and crying agony inside. I am drowning her out wth loud music but I can hear her, violently shivering with sobs.

Weird images flashes through my mind. I can't find the reason why I feel like this.

I don't know how to deal with this. I feel the pain with her. And then when the pain is gone, I look outside, and to my regret, it is night. A day of my life is gone.

I hate wasting time, and I hate this pain.

2011-11-09T12:16:00.000+08:00

As I reread my previous posts, I realise its very disjointed. Very disconnected. Like as though what happen on a particular day is totally forgotten on the next day. That might explain why I cannot remember or still suffering the same pain.

Should reread more, to remember better. I still don't know why my memory has been bad, sometimes even getting worse, but I am focusing on how to improve it. Wish me best!

I am only nineteen man, why my memory so bad siah. LOL.

2011-11-07T02:24:00.000+08:00

I get close to doing it but I never did. Almost did it. I am getting more and more comfortable with the idea. Inside, I know its wrong, very wrong. But I want to do it. I must do it.

It needs to be done. But a part of me, that is still good, is fighting it hard. I am even thinking of better ways to do it.

So God, help me. Before I cross that line.

2011-10-31T22:27:00.000+08:00

I am just grieving, cause I feel my essence is at this level. I relate more to sadness, rage. I am having this inner war, and I am questioning these rage and overwhelming sadness personally as to why.

How do I increase my level to essentially happiness? Instead of forcing myself to feel happiness. I am rewriting my thoughts, my perception. It isn't easy because half of the processess is going on beyond my awareness.

There are moments when I am either truly sad or anger, and lights will flicker a little. But when I am extremely happy, I am just happy. Although I do notice, when I feel lust growing, and I mentally touch someone, I notice they start to move awkwardly or rub the area where I did 'touch' them.Maybe it's coincidence, I don't deny it. But, sometimes, it does occur quite often, and 'somehow' at the moment I touch them.

I am struggling against my own boundary of power. I want people to love me, so I don't try to overpower them. But at the same time, the desire for power is pretty strong. I fight my desire to control but sometimes I lose.

My desire to be perfect, to be loved is thwarting my efforts to be truly kind, gentle and compassionate. I lie because I can,and I love how their eyes believe me. I love staring down other people, mostly those that I sense won't stare back. I love how their awkwardness and nervousness creeps into their face, and their swift turning away. In my dreams, I feel like this inner me, which sometimes manifests as phoenix burn everything around me. I control everything in my dream, people bow down to me out of love and fear. Maybe I .. dreamt that I am..

Love and Power. How these two opposites constantly fight inside me. It's mentally draining, but I love both.

2011-10-27T23:15:00.001+08:00

I am going to deal with my hunger. Hunger in my soul, and my own physical hunger. I deal with it, fix what I need to fix.

Enough powerlessness. Enough crying, enough. I want the real thing. I want the real body, not just imaginary one. I want my man, not crying in the bathroom because of my own mistakes. I have enough of living in my head.

I am prepared to do the work.

I am being overconfident because I am just starting.

And I am expecting tough times ahead. I will pray, do what I can do accept and fight this addiction. And I will keep track of my progress.

I am keeping his picture close to my heart. When my soul is at her weakest, when my strength is failing, I will rest but I will keep moving on, and remember why I did it in the first place.

I am killing one of my demons. Come here suffering, I am ready.

2011-10-26T22:52:00.001+08:00

Would like to thank God, angels, and all other people involved in lifting my mood today.

I woke up after a beautiful dream, feeling good. I just felt good with my most lovable pillow. And then go to work, had a chance to play with kids at the playground. It feels good just to be a kid again, play catching. It certainly felt super awkward because I felt off. I mean, an adult kid playing kids while adults watch and other people see. But I get used to it and just play with them.

They are so adorable. So kind, they really don't see me as another adult but one of them. I felt truly loved when I am among them. Although they were a little violent. :D I understand why Michael love kids. You really don't feel like you're being judged, or worry about this and that. Just play, laugh, relax, and keep smiling. And they always have something to talk about, something mundane that they make into SUPERR exciting. LOL.

I felt really appreciated. The kids didn't wanna leave when the parents wanted them to go. They wanted to play WITH ME. They even said it out aloud. I am really happy. It's been a long time that someone actually was upset that they cannot be with me. "I don't wanna go. I wanna play! I wanna play with her!" X12.

LOL.

Bought new earphones, ohmygoodness. It is fantastic, super surround sound system. And it cancels noise outside, even my mother's screaming. AWESOME.. I am just a bit scared for my life when I am on the road. Shall remember not to wear it while crossing the road.

And I think.. I'm in love. Okay, in a one-sided love. :D

2011-10-26T01:08:00.000+08:00

My soul is hurting again.

Its hurting quite bad.

I need to do something. I don't know what exactly.

Its burning and twisting, the pain is searing to every side. Literally.

Im trying to sleep... I'm really trying.

2011-10-24T13:58:00.000+08:00

Having dreams that quite creepy. And that screaming at the end of the dream.."Wake up! Wake up now! WAKE UP!!!" It sounded so chilling. Like a woman screaming just before she will be killed or seeing someone else die.

I keep seeing this girl in my dream, saying "Let me go. I love you. Let me go. I love you." I felt like I am silently weeping whenever she comes up.

And I keep running around unfamiliar rooms in strange houses. Running, but not knowing where I am going, what the hell I am running from. I keep hearing a guy say "Keep going. Go go. You've got to make it." But of course, what the heck am I trying to achieve?

There's a recurring theme also, like I will be with this group of people just about to suffer disaster, or some kind of attack, and I am suppose to help. And just at the moment where I am about to do something huge, I wake up.

Maybe I should cut down my sugar intake. No, I'm not daft. I know what the dream is trying to tell me. But the sugar ... it messes with my mind.

2011-10-22T22:13:00.000+08:00

I feel grounded today.

I feel like writing a really philosophical article that will somehow enlighten you and leaves you with this WOW face ---> <:0

No, not gonna do it. I don't like to think too much, and I am rambling nonsense aren't I?

This is what happens when you are in a quiet environment for too long. Anyone tried Mine Shine Premium Milk Tea. I love drinking it when it's cold, and I am super addicted!

I know some find it taste just like a boring ol tea, but others, like me, find it taste just right for a milk tea.

And I miss L4D2 big time!

I am actually happier more consistently these days. The constant interaction with people makes me forget about myself, and just being with children lifts my whole soul. I just feel happy. Like I have the damn right to play and have fun right now! I am exercising consistently and can run longer without stopping to breathe.

Though I know I am still quite afraid to stand my ground when dealing with people. I just panic and drop into fight-or-flight mode. I am working on it. I am not so nervous anymore but when dealing with serious issue, and I have to slowly explain and think through what the other person have said, makes me nervous. Somehow with friends, I am alright. But with strangers, especially if this person is an attractive guy. I just become one dumbo.

Saying that makes me laugh but it isn't so funny at that moment. One day at a time.

2011-10-20T23:42:00.002+08:00

What you know of me is that I am forgetful. Amnesiac you can say.

But what you don't know is..

I choose what to forget.

2011-10-20T21:28:00.002+08:00

When I hear what he said...

" I couldn't. I... I just didn't know what to do.Time was running past me, and I couldn't do a single thing."

My heart instantly crumpled onto itself, squeezing blood out like a waterfall. My tears threaten to fall. Anger make my insides tremble and the voices in my head is cackling and blaming me. Dread starts crawling slowly onto the roofs of my mind, taunting and giving leery smiles. My soul is screaming, denying so violently that I might drop dead if I take one step.

But I look at him and muster the best smile. "It's okay. Keep looking forward, what's gone is gone. I believe in you."

He smiles sadly and believes it. I could have believed it myself. Only if I didn't felt the emptiness of those words.

I had to turn away to scrunch my face so no sobs could leave my lips, nor tears could roll. The grief starts burning my veins, but what's the point? It wouldn't help him get focused. And the last thing I want to see is the hopeful light leave his eyes.

Have faith, have faith in God. Whatever happens, it will turn out to be the best. God, god, god..

2011-10-17T23:49:00.000+08:00

I am thinking with my head now. I am finally no longer as badly affected by the words of someone I detest. I am thinking instead of diving into action.

I consider possibilities, and when emotions come, I accept them and feel my way through. And when the emotions is too overwhelming, I block it, and feel them part by part.

I guess now I'm more calculative.

Delaying instant gratification to go after a longer satisfaction.

2011-10-16T23:36:00.001+08:00

I was my own worst enemy. It is quite scary to fully understand it. There's me, there's the good me, and then there's the devil me. Somehow, I am getting in touch with my good side. As I consciously become more aware of my own patterns, my own weaknesses, I can predict my next wound. And I avoid it.

But there's no good in surpressing the devil me. I am using her when I need to use her energy. I am channeling it through exercise. She is strongest when I feed her with my hatred.. for someone.

Oh how everytime I wish I could .. to that someone.

It is so easy to blame others. So easy, so releasing. But I have to grasp my own responsibility. If it's my wound, I can heal it. Only I can.

I am clinging to hope. Clinging to the divine, to my shred of belief in God. It is not strong, but it is all I have for now. I am beginning to believe again in prayers. To accept what comes, but not let it affect my faith. Fear can be my undoing, I am trying to regain my senses under fear. It is the only feeling, the door, the gateway for her to start whispering horrible thoughts.

It isn't easy. I have my moments. But I guess, this time I am winning. Even if it's just a little.

I can still feel the fire. But the light is always stronger.

2011-10-12T21:31:00.000+08:00

Still riding on adrenaline high after watching Real Steel! Real awesome I tell you, and yes, 2nd time watching this and I am still chock full of sheer happiness!

It's really breathtaking! And so sexy! Plus all that robot action, steel punching steel to the 'death', it is hysterical! We (cinema goers and me in the cinema) are literally clapping and cheering for the Charlie team & ATOM!

:D

And yes, enjoy this music, lovely track. Worth every cents I happily shower them with.

And you know what, lately I have been really running. I can run non-stop more rounds right now, and I have signed up for swimming. Starting by next week, I am going to double my work out!

2011-10-08T20:54:00.000+08:00

Venting my anger, old wounds through exercise.

Said Hi to David Garrett. If he lets me, I would have given him a hug. Photographers wanted to take picture of me when I was at the autograph session. Perhaps, I dress good. :) RazorTv was there as well.

Feels painfully good.

I feel like doing something crazy. Maybe walk around naked, traumatise people with my body. It's a nice thought, made me smile.

Saw someone that reminded me of Saheed. He is of about the same height, and even sound a bit like him. :( I miss my classmates.

I can feel it right now, that desire to hurt myself. I am going to distract myself by reading something, anything.

I want power. I want money. I want hot hot sex.

Sorry, too much info.

2011-10-06T23:04:00.000+08:00

Oh god, I am fighting it. Please help me. It's like a sick addiction, I want to feel the darkness within. I am not shameless enough to hurt others, so I consume myself.

I am struggling just to be normal. This is getting ridiculous.

It's like dangling a meat to a starving tiger. When there are good days, I am good enough to live through the whole day without desiring to feel the pain.

I had to take deep breaths just to not drink anymore sweet stuff. Or even throw myself into the road. TWICE, I walked when there's a speeding motorcycle just a few metres away from me. I could feel my own fear, but I was actually enjoying it. When I trip, and hit my knee hard or graze myself, I hurt but I am taking in the painful sensation like it's .. ecstasy.

It's difficult to take control. I can take physical hurts and my own mental lashing, but if someone does it, I feast on rage.

I won't be sorry this time for 'whining'. This is my way of releasing, after being 'taken' over by this crazy desires.

I don't know how you people can just be so .. normal. I am struggling, like constantly changing houses between my own self and my normal self.

2011-10-04T23:39:00.000+08:00

This. Its my way of cutting myself.

I don't cut my own skin. I cut my own mind.

I need the pain to feel.

And when I sleep, I live through nightmares of my own death. Literally.

And then I wake up, scared and lonely, in shock.

And then I cut myself up again.

Amazing isn't it? How I am actually still here. No?

2011-10-03T22:01:00.001+08:00

I'm always sad huh?

There are times I wonder why I am still here. You think I haven't paid enough? I have carried on through a lot of bullshit people throw at me. Bullshit that I didn't deserve. I am tired of all of this.

All I want to do is just go down, swinging. I will keep going on. Keep fighting.

I just want to rest.

Try be in my shoes. Just try to imagine. All your life, you try to make friends. But, deep inside you know there's a void that repels anyone who wants to come closer. Your family is just a show. No love, none. I'm ashamed. After all they did, especially the kind things, I have no love to give.

But I will keep on trying, adapting. Hopefully, when the time comes, I have at least one friend that deeply mourns for me and love me for who I am. The soulless bitch that I am

I'm sad. Because the truth is, I'm partially dead inside. Hole is growing bigger each day. It's a slow consuming sickness that I can't find a cure. I am screaming inside, begging... "Love me. Please, love me. Show me, make me feel love again. Please, just give me a hug. A kiss. A smile. Anything. Scream, slap or beat me up out of love. Please."

I want to feel love. I want to feel it. Even for just one moment, a love meant for me.

its like living in a hell that keeps repeating over and over and over.

2011-09-28T13:05:00.000+08:00

Your mind is breathing fire under my skin. I could feel my veins twisting under your gaze. I walk away, step by step back, but you stop and beckon me with your finger.

I couldn't resist. Shaking, unable to breathe, I am summoned. Voices screaming for me to turn and run, fades.

You smile, the war is over. You breathe down on my neck, and give it a small kiss.

"Who owns you?"

"Only you."

I am so far gone.

2011-09-26T21:25:00.000+08:00

I have realized what it really means to be cool. To do the compassionate, humane, loving act. That is the coolest thing you can do. When you become a real human, you are cool.

Not darkness, not fashion, none of that. When you are able to connect and emphatize, you are above all those who think they are cool.

I respect and admire those who dare to do the right thing. Who dare to thank the uncle who serves you food. Who dare to help pick your book when it slip from your fingers in the bus. Who dare to smile to the person who served you. To do it because you want to and that it is the right thing, and you believe that every person is important in their own way.

It is the most respectable thing.

I had a GREAT day today! Awesome time, believe me. Went to the movies to watch Fright Night, awesome guilty pleasure. Collin Farrell is smokin as a vampire. Like make me perspire a bucket of water kind of smokin. Anyway, had a good time eating my ol favourite chicken rice. I've been so busy, I couldn't even get to eat a simple chicken rice. Sweet uncle, it's been a while since I have been served by a polite person. I love his dish, I licked it clean. No exaggeration, clean. Even the soup, the chili, everything.

Bought my favourite milk tea drink, went home, and let me just say, as simple as this day was, it is awesome. In a peaceful, rejuvenating way. Had a warm bath when I got back home, sat down and watch some tv.

And soon, I'm going to sleep.

:D good times, really. simple good times.

2011-09-24T23:07:00.000+08:00

I am not feeling well. Maybe even to the point of nearly dangerous. Cause my blood, when it dries, isn't brown. It is black. Oh yes, I have been feeling unwell.

But, I am feeling so at peace, and so happy inside. My family is all well, my life is fitting together.

I understand that this might come to pass. But I am remembering these times, to hold it dear in my heart. To be the light when the darkness grabs me.

I have been having dreams of me dying. So, yeah, just to let you know, if you know.. tomorrow I'm gone.

Keep smiling~ :D

2011-09-24T22:18:00.000+08:00

I am very happy today! A lot of nicely well behaved people only today! And, I am making more friends..with children! They are really cute, and really friendly. So open, make me connect with my childish self. :D

And, Ouran HighSchool is making me really happy. Maybe I should watch more anime, instead of watching dark drama..

I believe, this is the most peaceful, stable and happiest part of my life!

2011-09-24T00:40:00.000+08:00

A flutter of my heart as she spreads her wings, bloom wide open, letting out a sweet scent of a thousand roses and she shines under your eyes. Your beautiful, masculine eyes.

Though you aren't mine, your eyes behold the gaze that I longingly crave.

2011-09-23T21:47:00.002+08:00

If I die today, please believe that I love all of you. I really do. I have forgiven you, and please forgive me. I miss all of you dearly, you bastards. Yes, even those that I supposedly don't talk to much, or dislike.

I love all of you.

2011-09-23T21:38:00.000+08:00

I feel like I have a sister. A good one.

I almost chopped my hair today, out of anger. I stopped, focusing on my regret if I still cut it. I just look into the mirror, and see my frustration. I smiled, and walk out of the toilet.

2011-09-21T22:36:00.000+08:00

All I wanna do is just play, create, make love, be loved, share love and just go crazy me.

2011-09-20T00:46:00.002+08:00

Do not screw with someone who feels powerless.

2011-09-20T00:45:00.002+08:00

Today is the day a pair of scissors make me feel better. A whole lot better.

2011-09-13T21:45:00.000+08:00

All I'm asking for is support. I dont have the heart to call up someone so they can listen. So, this place is the only place I can use to let out my pain.

I have issues. I'm repairing them, trust me. I've been exercising, making friends, thinking positive thoughts and let negative things slide whenever I can. Sometimes, these things caught up with me, and it's too much to bear. I have only two shoulders, and one heart. I am not that strong.

I cannot confide in my mother. She makes me feel worthless. I cannot confide in my brother, he's having his exams and he can only understand so far. My father is always distant, and all my life I want his love. I'm crying as I type this. Its hard to accept that the only male figure I hope to look up to is not there.

And another thing, I do feel that I want a soulmate. I think I've waited long enough to actually get a hold on my feelings and see things from a rationale point of view. Yes, I know you are saying, be independent, you'll meet your guy when your life is right. Life is full of ups and downs, so when is the right time? I know a lot of independent women who are in pain because they want their own soulmate. Independence is good, but it can only go so far. There's a part where you do want someone to share love with.

Yes, I can be full of horny jokes. But I'm also full of heart. And I just need to feel safe so I can give my all. Afterall, I'm a girl, if you've forgotten.

2011-09-13T01:23:00.000+08:00

And when I fall, they will watch. And when I rise with my bloody hands on my feet, they will watch.

And when I reach out to them, come, they will watch.

I feel like I'm being slowly killed. How many times I've feel like this.

Frustrated. Angry. Confused. Scared. Insecure. I'm at a loss.

How do people do this? Attracting and falling in love.

My insides are like burning, twisting, tearing up into holes. I'm holding it together. But inside, I'm barely making it.

I want to have a rest from all this. Why? Why can't I be just a loner?

Why must I need someone to be my lover, best friend, my confidant?

I don't want to. I don't want. The pain.. its .. so overwhelming.

2011-09-06T22:50:00.000+08:00

I have a desire to be strange. Not too strange, but just enough to be a little of an outcast. I need that strange release because trying to fit in too much wears me down. I feel tired. Being strange, it energizes me. Relaxes me.

But of course there is a limit to my weirdness. Though sometimes, there are days where I question myself.

The sacrifice.

2011-08-14T22:54:00.000+08:00

She slides her tongue up her index finger, licking the red liquid trailing down. Her eyelids slowly closes as she licks her lips. Her chest rises and sinks as she sigh. A glistening tear rolls down her cheek. A chilling gust of wind rushes in through the open windows behind her. Her heart tensed but she sit still, ears tilting towards the door.

"I love you." She whispers into the air. Another tear rolls down her left cheek. Her eyelids flutters before opening up. She stands up and faces the door. She stills her heart. Despite the strong wind, the candles around her burst into flames.

The wooden door explodes into smithereens. The force pushes her a step back. A splinter that flew grazes her left cheek. Blood starts to trickle down. A tall, burly figure stands by the door, bathing in the moonlight.

"Isabel." The stranger's husky voice sounded strangled. The wind grew stronger, shaking the whole hut.

"Alexander," She takes a deep breath. "I'm ready..."

"You don't have to do this." The stranger moves towards her. The roof of the house burst as the wind carries it away.

"I must." Her eyes darkens with determination.

"I beg of you. Isabel, sweetheart."

Isabel did not move an inch. She stands strong against the unrelenting gust of wind. For a moment, she is an image of a beautiful goddess. Her white gown billows around her, glowing orange with the candle flames. Her auburn hair blowing in the wind look like fire that have a life of their own. Her hazel eyes shines under the moonlight, glowing with serenity.

"Do it."

For all the good people in this world, angels in disguise

2011-08-13T22:50:00.001+08:00

From now on, I would like to dedicate this blog to help others. Either through inspiration, to cheer you up, or just to share my day to day so if you're feeling down or alone, you have someone else that feels the same. If I cry, please forgive me if I bring you down. Sometimes being happy makes me sad. Makes me think about all the time I have left, and all the time I've wasted.

I have only now. So I shall make it count.

I know I won't get to live long. Even if I do, I see no point but only to help others. I shall create art, or songs, in whatever ways I know how. I admit I am not any good, but I hope at least I can ease your pain. Even for just a minute.

To the people I have wronged, I am truly sorry. I hope whatever good I am doing, will come back to you by a multiple fold.

I have accepted that life is both pain and happiness. Sometimes it is painful. Sometimes its heavenly. But there's no choosing, because this is the truth of life. It isn't a fantasy dream, but it is growth. Change for the better, even if we don't understand.

This is my truth. I live to make you smile. Or laugh. I live to spread beauty and faith in love. I hope I can restore your faith in humanity. I know we are so far gone, but deep inside of us, there is still goodness. Hold on to it, because I am. There must be.

I live, for you.

2011-08-13T22:41:00.000+08:00

What if I don't have much time? I know every day I wake up, somehow my time is slipping away. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see myself as a nobody. Nobody that contributed to the world. Nobody important.

I keep asking myself, Why is it I never keep fit? Why I never took care of myself? And today, tonight I realize that I did not want to be healthy for myself. I wanted to be healthy for others. No, not to be with other people. But for them. I hope, I can keep myself healthy so that when I die, I can donate my organs to those who need. My organs, these organs will be healthy and can work long for these people.

I know I have not much love for myself. I don't think I ever did. But I love making people smile. So, I hope if I were to die, all these would be my last gift, last attempt to make others smile.

2011-08-09T23:41:00.001+08:00

Love me, like a gentle lover. Tenderly. Caress me. I can be distant, cold. Even violent. But, love me. Forgive me. Soothe me. For I am a frightened child. Trembling, ready to run from rejection, in fear of suffering your loss. In rage, in agony, softly I sing a lullaby so I can sleep soundly. In silence, I plead for a warm hug. The crushing loneliness is relentless. So I shut out my soul so no more tears can flow. Hold me, and I ask for your permission to cry on your shoulder. For the burden I bear to lie to myself and stand strong, is hurting my weary shoulders.

Can you be the one I swallow my pride for?

makan taik :)

2011-08-06T02:31:00.000+08:00

Oh I miss you. I miss your smile. It's been a long time since I have like someone this way. It feels so innocent, so free of any sexual urges. You are an angel. I am really thinking about you, and how before you go, we could have taken a picture. So that I won't miss you so much. Sometimes I find myself unconsciously holding on to things you've held before, or even doing things your way. I feel so angry if anyone even tries to do things other than yours. I'm so sorry I was so quiet on the last day. I was grieving. I was trying not to cry. But how could I tell you? It would have been awkward.

I cherish our memories together. Thank you so much for being just the way you are. I hope you don't mind me wearing a locket with your picture. It helps me sleep. Please don't get creeped out by this, it's just my way of dealing with how much I am missing you.

I wish I have recorded at least just one moment with you. At least, I can stop myself from crying when I miss you.

I'm so glad we had so much fun going crazy. Those memories are just between us, and it's sacred to me.

Just want you to know, to me, you're truly perfect. Beautiful. I mean every word here with all my heart and soul.

I wish you all the best but don't forget me. You're always in my heart.

2011-08-03T23:52:00.000+08:00

When I get a show,
Spotlight on me,
Dance floor is my stage,
Feel the same.

Uh huh. :D

Watched Brighton Rock, forgive me, Sam Riley is smoking hot. I know that this 2010 version is a remake, but this Pinky Brown rocks. Andrea is extremely good with her acting, but Sam steals my breath.

LOOK at that. Oh my gawd, he can shoot me anytime baby. Hehe.

I am just feeling so high and tired right now. It's like a pleasant fatigue. All thoughts in my head are like dreamily happy sort of thoughts. I am staying in cloud 9 for a while.

I mean, come on, aren't you sick of reading me crying and complaining? It's like, sheesh, girl you're whiny.

Honestly, the new one is boring me. Maybe I should give some more time, but come on, I love getting high. No, no heroin, or weed, or meth. I don't do that. I just love laughing, especially nonsensical stuff. You're funny, and are cool with making fun of yourself, and I will LOVE you. It's easy, make me laugh, and I let you do almost anything. Enough about serious stuff. Life is short, bang bang, enjoy and die.

What's the use of living till 200 if you're wrinkly, sad, and just moaning and bitching? Nobody love you... Yeah, I've heard of that one before dude. MOVING ON.

I don't do boredom. Boredom = shit.

:D

Even right now as I am typing happy thoughts, my mind is trying to fight back with unhappy thoughts, trying to complain. Come on, let me feel sexy, happy and just relax for a minute.

I am not even 50 years old yet. No need to be so uptight!

Oh guys, I just watched mostly all of Gabriel Iglesias videos. He is an AWESOME comedian. I laughed till I cried, howled, and begged for mercy that the laughters will stop(for me to breathe).

LOOK AT HIM. Just looking at him makes you think about farts. You just want to laugh!

He is an awesome guy man. Nice, very smart actually and super cool with making fun of himself. And he loves attention. Like me. Attention whores, yes mam.

Okay nights bitches, going to go have fun... :D

2011-07-26T23:46:00.001+08:00

Dear diary,

Today i cried again. I feel lonely. No friends called me. Not that they have any reason to. But, I wish they did. Was I that bad of a friend? They all clutter in their own groups, I don't feel like I belong no more. They say I am, but I don't feel the truth. I feel so, abandoned.

I tried spending as much time as possible. But clearly, this doesn't work. I tried to stay up awake, to play with them because I miss their voices. I wanted to hear their laughter, to know they really are my friends. Sometimes I stay silent during conversations to see if they noticed. Usually no. But they have moved on. I tried to listen to their music, I really tried. I couldn't help it but I honestly don't match their taste. Sometimes when I am with them, it hurts when they ask for someone else that isn't there. I will come up to them, smiling, so happy to see them. They look at me, with a frown, and ask,"Where's so-and-so? So lonely". Can't you see? I'm here! I want to shout but I can't. It's not going to bring them closer to me. Even though I hang out with them, I can see how they always huddle close together. How they always have something to talk about, but with me, no. I always try to make some joke, try to find topics. Yes, mostly the jokes are sexual, so I must have scared them or something.

And yes, I do notice that I am not invited. How I wish I can remove every post or pictures of events that I am not invited. You guys can do whatever you want, but just don't let me see it. Block me or something if you have to.

I'm going to meet them this week. I honestly don't know what I should say or do. I don't want to feel the awkwardness again. Of course I will go, but in the back of my mind, I will always know I am not the first person they want to see. Perhaps, the last. I know that one of them dislike me. Saying that I am slow, ugly. And doesn't want to eat with me during breaks. Alright, but you don't have to say that I am ugly. I already know. Another was the day of my birthday. It also fell on the same day where we are suppose to do our projects. I was actually quite happy, to be able to hang out with them. But she looked right at me and said "You think we are going to celebrate your birthday? "

I laughed it off. But it hurt like a son of a bitch. I'd rather they forget it than to say this.

As of recently, I was declared in the shitlist by my friend's fiance. All I had wanted was to spend some time with a friend. And I wanted to hang out, just for one day, and now I'm the bad guy.

Really? Is having friends this hard? Every time you try to get closer, they go away?

Soon, another one of my friends will leave. So, I will be mostly alone at work.

I don't want to have a pity party. I have stood strong, go alone everywhere myself. Watch the movies alone, eat at restaurants alone. Go to events/concerts alone. I have endured the looks of onlookers, who look at me eating a four course meal alone. And when I am down or really happy, I don't have the luxury to call up someone to cry or go high with someone else. On my birthdays, I will just go and buy a cake myself, and eat it. Happy Birthday Aisyah. This is what you get for being nice and trying to fit in.

Yeah, brush it off. Brush it off Aisyah. Stay strong, smile, and pretend everything's alright.

2011-07-25T22:54:00.000+08:00

I was walking around at Ion Orchard. I was, as you do, window shopping. I was actually walking with an air of confidence, cause afterall, this is the best I've looked in my whole life. Subconsciously, I kind of tuned out for a while. I was actually staring at this cute guy talking among a bunch of guys.

Of course, I didn't mean to. But he saw the way I stared. He stopped talking, and he's staring back at me with a smile.

I double-checked. He SMILED. My god, I turned away quickly. Heart beating fast, and I couldn't help smile. Wow, I like this.

2011-07-25T22:33:00.000+08:00

I could feel my blood is sweet. It feels sluggish. And, the fact that mosquitoes love to bite me. I can feel them, and the only one affected even though there are other people at the bus stop. Biting me, cause my blood is full of sugar.

Something deep within me has shifted. I cannot repress it anymore. There's a hunger within me. It is not enough that I sate it myself. I want more, from a willing loving person. Something that involves both the physical and the spiritual. But I have waited long enough. The right one, come. I beg you.

2011-07-24T23:58:00.000+08:00

I cut my hair, and I find myself more beautiful this way. Short hair, wavy and curling up at the end. Just the way I like it. Light and bouncy. I like how when I walk past, some guys actually stare at me. Well, I noticed.

Forgive my negative thoughts, Siti Aisyah. I am ashamed that I bring you down, so much confusion clouding you. All you wanted to do was try, but I quit before you can try. I love you, no matter how much you wanted to kill yourself. I know, it is my fault. I shall focus on the light, on God, on all that is beauty and pure love. For you, I shall forsake what is natural for me, and seek the unknown. For you, you are worth my life. I want to redeem myself for all those tears I let you cry. I sing to you, and I shall let you fly as high as you want. Hear me, keeper of my heart. Forgive me, and let's embrace this world. It's both a playground and a battlefield. We'll go through this together. Let's end this fight, I love you. I love you. I love you so much.

2011-07-11T02:10:00.001+08:00

I am trying to be independent. However, I am needing to find approval from others. Always seeking validation, no confidence in what I am doing. When I face an obstacle, I could feel my core shaking, like its ready to fall apart right this instant. Like a volcano about to erupt, I fight to stay in control. I need someone by my side ready to back me up, be my rock. Able to be strong for me, so I can find the strength to do it myself. I want someone other than me who believes in me. I need it. My identity is in fragments. I don't trust my own judgement. The more I lie, the more my heart shrinks. My conscience eats me up. I have lied as long as I can remember, but the feeling of guilt never left me. Every lie taints me. To the point that when I lie, I literally feel my soul pricked.

I don't know why, but some people could lie so easily. I can't. The child within bleeds for every fabrication I weave.

By myself, I feel alone with an enemy. The love I crave that could shield me, is not here. I look into the mirror, and I see nothing that I truly love. I need to change my glasses. I need faith. I lack so much faith. I dont want sympathy nor pity. I need love, lots of it. I need someone to hold my hand, look into my eyes and say with conviction and truth from his/her soul that I am worth it. Make me believe again. It is pathetic? Yes, I know. But, I have not reached the level of wisdom just yet. Doubts incessantly sneak up on me. Like a spiderweb, the harder I struggle, the tighter it becomes.

So much fear. I am afraid of taking risks. I am not ready to lose anything. Not ready to be willing to lose anything. How do those people who are able to live in the streets just to do what they love? The stability, the security, the doubts, how do they handle it? What make them believe so strongly? I want to know. I am desperate to know. It is scary. I want to do this with someone special. So when I fall, I know I can hang on with him/her, and feed each other with motivation and courage. I need loyalty, love. At least a thread of security outside of myself.

I am so needy. My ego, doubts have so much power over me. I suffocate sometimes, just listening to those awful voices in my head. If I shut out the sound, I could see the images. If its not images, I would feel uneasy, like I am doing stupid. All I hear is stupid, stupid, if you fail, you are stupid. Yeah, to you, it seems plain easy to just advise me to shut all this out. But, you should know that to think abstractly is different than doing the real thing.

It is SCARY AS FUCK.

2011-07-09T22:56:00.003+08:00

Excuse me, why the fuck am I in your shit list? I don't do a damn thing to deserve a spot there. Kiss your wookie you say? Go fuck yourself.

You have, what, 365 days with her? And you are mad for that 1 day I have a friendly outing with her? I didn't even know you were going out with her. Seriously dude, think about it. I have been nice to you, and did nothing wrong to you. Just because of this, you throw all away and curse me?

Why delete that post? Why not just let it be there so everyone can see who is that bitch that you dislike? Why not? If you want to fight, I can fucking fight. Why be a coward, and refer me to that malay girl? Why NOT say outright my name, Gerade?

Fuck you. For all my time's worth, if I could easily drop to your stupid list, then you are not worth to be my friend.

Thanks for screwing it up, so I can find a better friend. _|_ Fuck off, and don't come back.

Thank you.

2011-07-05T23:15:00.000+08:00

I love you. I dont wish you to go. For the first time, I feel appreciated. I feel like I am who I wanna be. Making you smile, lights up my day. Alas, all good things leave. But I am touched, and full of gratitude that we've met. Even for a while, I could savour true happiness and just enjoy alone time with you. Even in silence, I know you are near, and it comforts me more than you'll know.

I wish you all the best, and I bid you farewell. Keep on smiling, it brightens people's lives.

2011-07-04T12:24:00.001+08:00

I am not your friend isn't it? I'm not included. I'm not remembered. I'm not needed. Yet you smile to me, and ask for me when you want to use me.

I'm still around even when I'm not there.

That is why I refuse to crawl back to you. Even if I am dying, I refuse your help. As much as I want to tell you, I am waiting for the day for me to use you back once more.

You might need my help, and there I will use you till you're dried up.Watch you as you cry, begging for my help, and I shall revel in my satisfaction of seeing you in despair.

Like how you ignore my pain, refusing to acknowledge my tears.

My sorrow will come for you.

Till then, we're friends. :)

2011-06-30T00:32:00.000+08:00

Without you, my blood will blacken. Your soul serenades my light. Waves of sorrow are crashing within me, threatening to drown my conscience. You are the fine thread of sanity that I hang on to. Please keep your tears, my dearest, for if they roll, I will rock the heavens and the earth to rain blood. No one will be safe. My mind is in fragments but my heart is wholly yours. As time slips from me, I may not know what's right or wrong. But feel deep within you, for the bond between us is eternal. My love, only your lips saves me from insanity.

I am the monster, bloodthirsty and selfishly cold to the very end. But with you, you make me feel compassion. My world is whirling with colors, smoldering with flames. Before you, I only knew darkness and greys. And everything I touch is cold. Your existence in my life has bring forth warmth so thick, I could gladly drown in it. Your voice is of heat and light, like the cry of violin. In your eyes, I see heaven shining through, bursting hope into my rotten soul.

God has played me. I had wished for death, but at the peak of despair, you appear. Now, I want nothing more but to live, protect you and be the cause of your smiles.

2011-06-27T15:00:00.000+08:00

If I am not laughing at your stupid jokes, not even once, it means you are dead to me.

I have no love for you, not even a little sympathy. Not even disgust.

You are dead to me. Mom.

2011-06-26T22:20:00.000+08:00

I am slowly embracing the fact that I do love both men and ladies. No, not because I want more dates. But because I am tired of repressing a part of me.

I embrace my dark impulses. I vent those thoughts through drawing, writing, singing haunting songs. I appreciate that I can see beauty in those darkness. Like I said, I am embracing all of myself. The ugly and the beautiful.

I was raised feeling a lot of agony and pain. Shame. But now that I embrace them, letting them go, I can use them. On those who have malice in their mind.

2011-06-26T00:29:00.000+08:00

My heart feels sorrow, yet light, as though in heaven.

2011-06-24T22:47:00.000+08:00

Something about you lures me in. Your fluttering eyelashes lulls me into a dream. As your eyes crinkle with laughter, they shone bright with light. My soul soars when you summon my name. The smiling curve of your lips seeps ecstasy into my heart. Your voice, soothing, reaches into the recesses of my soul and grabs the best of me. When you come closer, the sweet cinnamon of your hair soaks my mind.

You flood my senses. You could stab me a hundred times, but all I could feel is your sweet lips on mine.

Deep pain, help me.

2011-06-21T23:07:00.001+08:00

From deep within my heart, I send out a call. A call for my lifemate, my soulmate. My heart beckons you to come, to be near. I have not witness the death of someone in front of me. But I have felt my own heart died. It is both painful yet numb. The memory of emotions haunts me, torments me. Somehow I know you can soothe this pain. This throbbing ache within my soul, a rotting that is spreading. I have watched myself bleed. Times where I just curl into myself, shivering in agony. Although you don't see the bruises, or the wounds or the scars, my mental pain is too real for me to ignore. It is aching, like there is a void that is devouring me from the inside. How do you fill this void?

To others, I have to put up a front. That I am all-together. That I am strong, I am laughing. Yet, I am screaming to fill up this void. Only when I am deep in water, do I feel light. I feel like I am weightless, in spirit form. I keep on saying my pain again and again. Because I want to know, understand what this is.

This deep need for a lover. This deep need to feel the touch of another male human being, so in need of me as the way I am of him. I have seek comfort among the females. But it doesn't last, like having tiny snacks when you're hungry. It doesn't fill me up.

Look into my eyes, see how the dark circles are so deep. I am not lying this time. My spectacles distorts the depth, but if I take it off, and let you see me, I am hurting. How I am actually always frowning, or tired. It is hard living with something that is constantly hurting but putting up a smile so you won't run from me.

Hurting and always trying to find someone/something to soothe the pain. Only sleep rests my soul. But upon my awakening from my slumber, the wound bleeds again.

Confession #1

2011-06-20T01:19:00.000+08:00

Oh, of course you won't know what it is. :)

2011-06-03T08:28:00.000+08:00

I need to change. I hate how I am right now.

I hate how YOU are treating me. I don't want to be needy. I don't like where I am right now.

2011-05-28T15:11:00.000+08:00

I just don't love her. My mother I mean. I love a lot of other people, my friends, brother, father and things, such as rollercoasting.

I do feel pity for her sometimes. But I feel so emotionally indifferent towards her.

The last time I felt any love for her was when I was in primary 4. Then, from then on, nothing.

2011-05-27T21:57:00.000+08:00

You need to be twice the man than me. Yet, be feminine enough to be considered a gentleman. Have a good sense of humor. Hardworking, but not ashamed to show off your results. Strong but choose to be humble. Commands respect and if wronged, stands up for it. Defends others that are in need. Responsible. Somewhat spontaneous. Not afraid to say or get what he wants. Disciplined. In control even if under pressure. Loves his woman and has a strong sexual and success drive. Always learning. Somewhat patient.

This is what I consider a real man. This is a man that I don't mind taking care of. I don't need you to open the door, or anything like that, although that will score you bonus points. If you could be this 80% of the time, you're good.

2011-05-25T23:25:00.001+08:00

If I had killed myself, I would have never met Lou Ferrigno. I cried realizing what I had just experienced. It haven't sink in fully yet. Such an honor to meet you. To meet a respected friend of Michael as well.

I can die saying, I've met one of my heroes. Worked out with him even.

I am laughing and crying tears of joy. I am so touched that this man is willing to teach me for an hour. To make me believe that I can do it. There's only one way I could go, to believe. He blocked the other path.

I just can't grasp its total reality. Something in me just changed. I am Siti Aisyah, the girl and woman that is achieving her dreams, no matter what comes.

2011-05-19T15:54:00.002+08:00

My body isn't symmetrical. My left feet is bigger than my right. My right ear is smaller than my left ear.

One side of my legs is longer than the other. One of my eyes is bigger than the other.

And when I watch or listen to something, I turn my head to the opposite direction to the source of visual or sound.

I tend to laugh in my sleep.

Dangerous Impulses:
I love to set things on fire, be it virtual or real life. When at a tall height, I have a strong urge to jump even though I am terrified. Even near roads, I am very attracted to fast moving vehicles, especially big heavy ones, and need to resist the urge to put myself in front of them. I like walking with my eyes closed just to see if I can 'feel' objects around me. If I do not get enough sleep for too long, at total loss of what to do, or mentally drained, I tend to be suicidal.

Other Impulses / Traits:
I don't think I am the only one if I say I love to pick at my wounds or scabs to see it bleed again. If I am overloaded with too much sense stimulation, such as the place is too smelly or too much different smells, or too many people call my name or I'm having too much input, my brain will shutdown or choose to focus only on one object or person and shut everything out. As a result, either I will be deaf or blind to other things. And I might not be aware that I even shut it out.

My memories are usually mix-matched. Example, Tuesday I ate chocolate icecream. Wednesday I eat cheese toast. I might remember that Tuesday I ate chocolate toast, and Wednesday I ate ice cream and cheese. Either that or I might do something and not remember it. or did NOT do something but thought I had done it.

I do have somewhat a photographic memory when I was young but it was gone by primary six because my head was smashed to the wall, twice during a fight. As a result, I can remember my past but for present and future, I have problems planning properly or remembering things. At times, somehow my memory is perfect now. Then it will be gone after a few minutes. If I try to remember things, I have an ache that grows if I continue to remember too many things. That's where the habit of writing on my hand or on other parts of my body came about so I can 'remember'.

I talk so much about my memory because it is important that you understand. Do not take advantage of me, like saying I owe you something because I could not remember if I did return to you or not. Let's just say, I have my ways to remember and my feelings is there to 'remind' me that you might be lying.

2011-05-19T14:09:00.000+08:00

To a particular friend of mine.. I have not met someone that I am able to dislike for such a long time but still talk to you like I like you. You are the first. I think you also know I don't like you right? :)

I just want to say I don't want to make trouble, but I am a little uncomfortable putting up a facade for so long. Maybe you could give me a good enough reason so I could give you a piece of my mind?

XD

2011-05-19T02:09:00.000+08:00

I need to remind myself that NO problem is ever permanent. I need to keep remembering that.

It's good that recent turn of events have made my mother more of someone who listens , even if a little, and a little more supportive. That's huge.

I love my new heels. Feel feminine and edgy. Yes, my first new black heels people.

Do something with what I have now. My beauty, my intellect, my health, my strength, my endurance. Cause if I don't, it will be gone in the end.

I need to be a little more kinder to myself. The voices in my head can be quite mean. But I am getting better at turning their voices into positives ones faster than before.

I need to accept that I am nobody but at the same time deserves the best amount of respect like anyone else.

2011-05-18T09:58:00.000+08:00

I'm back! And nope, I didn't accept the job offer. Far away, in the middle of nowhere, and its early in the morning, mediocre pay, and I didn't like what I am doing.

There I said it!

I guess I am just tired yesterday. Work out, got tired and my mind went haywire. Forgivable. Almost accepted the job offer. I am becoming more money minded.

I spent money like water. And I want to torture myself for money. Money you make me go crazy

2011-05-17T21:53:00.000+08:00

I'm tired. Got a job offer. But I'm scared it might turn out like my itp. I cannot handle another type of that. I cannot. If I even see anyone from there, I might just go mad.

No. No. Enough.

So tired..

2011-05-17T15:56:00.000+08:00

My loneliness level is at maximum high. I feel sick now. And very drained. Emptiness in my stomach is growing bigger. Need to be with people I know.

I need energy. From people..

Oh god. I need to go find strangers.

Ramblings of a confused, dissappointed teenager.

2011-05-17T13:57:00.001+08:00

SEX. LOVE. CONTROL. VANITY.

I am wondering is it my duty to find the best lover or to create the best love out of the ones I have? It is not easy to love because to love so strongly, so sincerely requires maturity, strength, faith, trust and capacity to forgive as much as I can. I have all those but it's on a minimal.

But afterall, aren't humans well known for taking the easy solution in a difficult situation? Watching The Mist, that previous line disturbs me. I mean, can you imagine what would it be like if we took the right solution instead of the easy ones? We could have been strong, loving, united as one. Is it that easy to break us? Our psyche is that weak?

How do I strengthen it? To never give up hope in the darkest of times, even when my mind, body and heart is screaming to let go? Questions, questions, hidden answers.

We are so spoiled. From the basic necessities such as food, transport, all is there just for us to take. I wonder if what we give back is ever enough to return what we have mindlessly taken. Humans are mostly insane. Put them in the dark, scare them good enough, and threaten their survival and all rules will be broken. Only a rarity will still have the civilized mind to think, to care, to love.

I wonder why most of us are stuck to what we have, in a loop even though we don't like it. Maybe cause it's so much easier.

I might just be a murderer if it comes to the point if my survival is threatened. Where are all the spiritual leaders? Our consciousness has dropped to an all time low. Sex, Stuff, Sickness.

We are so overloaded with sexual imageries. We are crazy about who has the best stuff, or who has the most. We are getting weaker in terms of physical, mental and spiritual health.

Such a cold world. Only the few who are mentally sane, loving keeps the hope alive that just maybe the world can be healthy again.

2011-05-15T22:49:00.000+08:00

People are the ones I fear the most, yet I need them, I want them the most. A day without interacting with people can make me go crazy. But I am so scared, don't know what to say when I meet one.

The more excited I am, the harder I fall. God must have known because if I was hot, I could have been slutty. I could have been such a clubber, hitting all those clubs. Even looking the way that I am now, I dare to do impulsive things.

Even with such a mother, I am still quite bad, the way I sneak around, lying. I guess my looks or rather my perception due to my looks control what I can do.

Just saying that my impulse control is not very well developed. >:P

2011-05-05T02:13:00.013+08:00

Walking with you,
are moments of perfection
that will be my consolation,
in my memories,
this love's a lovely breeze
that I felt being beside you.

In silence,
I mouthed my affection,
In silence,
a thousand heartbeats in a fraction,
In silence,
my mind captures our pictures.

Still smiling
as you walked away,
I am staying in the portrait
of us, just us.

Because I have a wish
of dying with a smile,
and if all else fails,
I still have you in mind.

Who's to say I'm alone
if I can feel you?
Found something sweet,
to fill what's missing.

Lucky.

2011-05-05T00:35:00.001+08:00

I am thinking more positively naturally now. I remember yesterday, while I was eating, I had a sudden realisation.

I'm alive! I mean, after all those times I wanted to commit horrible things to myself, all the pain just wasn't strong enough to make me do it. I actually have real friends, a family, a house, good money and education. I am enjoying life, and my nightmares have gone down drastically. I have good health, and the people I love are healthy. I know I can sleep soundly without worries.

I can even sing.

I am exercising constantly, and I am able to curb my impulses and rationalize properly. I am able to control my rage and slowly uncover the root cause. I am opening up a little bit more to God. Believing more that God does love me.

I am starting to have a healthier outlook on life. I do get down, but its no more towards the extremes. The blackouts I do have, have started to become clearer.

I just have to believe in two things. I am still alive. God does love me.

2011-05-02T15:13:00.002+08:00

I don't feel safe at home.

I'm on my way to damage free hair with Dove. Get your free samples too!

2011-05-01T17:30:00.000+08:00

I'm on my way to damage free hair with Dove. Get your free samples too!

2011-04-28T16:31:00.002+08:00

I welcome you,
the stranger within you,
Gently lose your guard,
As I reach in and touch your soul.

Let me into your heart,
let me in you...

Caress you,
Kiss you,
Open up to all my truths,
to all my lies.

Late nights, lying close,
Our haven, it's all safe,
Shed your shyness,
Lose your sanity with me.

Let me into your heart,
let me in you...
I'll let you in too...

2011-04-28T02:10:00.000+08:00

Today is the day I met and talked to a cute guy in school.
Today is also the day I heard it.

I know it's whatever, but I just wanted to hear it. From you. Thank you. Sweetest thing spoken in a moment.

<3

2011-04-25T22:17:00.000+08:00

I miss everyone. In poly. I even miss those familiar faces of the cleaners there. I miss afrans. I miss everything.

I miss the lecturers, the fc6 food. The smelly toilets. I miss just wasting time having fun in the labs. I miss facebooking restaurant city.

I miss all of you. :'(

At least I have photos to look at. And l4d2.

Still missing all of you.

2011-04-25T15:37:00.000+08:00

I am steadily learning guitar again. Takes time, because it's been years since I touch a guitar and played it properly. My fingers are starting to hurt with all that string.I am trying to get on speed where I can. Managed to play a little bit of My Chemical Romance - This is How I disappear.

Some of the fingerings are hard...

Slowly, steady~

2011-04-24T01:22:00.001+08:00

I realize when I am completely alone, listening to music, in the dark.. I am able to focus. I am able to push away my negative thoughts, and listen to beneficial things, read a book that opens up my mind, drawing. Imagine things in a different and exciting way.

I am open to believing I am more in touch with my divine self at night. It's cooling, quiet, soothing, and alone. This feels extremely liberating and healing. My thoughts are much more different, I am able to alter the questions I ask myself. I am able to gain greater insight into things, and I absorb information much faster.

This is especially true when it is raining. I notice that even in school when I was younger, in primary 3, I felt much more at peace, happier and felt more intelligent when it is raining. It is as though everyone on Earth and the world just pause, slow down, and listen to the rain. The wind singing its cooling low and sometimes high pitch tune with its own tempo, and the rain provides the beat like a drum. The trees swaying like the backup singers and dancers. The lightning provides the flashes of wisdom like a pre-chorus, while the thunder is the occasional bass. The darkness entice you to sleep and welcome the embrace of imagination and revel in the wonders of your mind.

It's a beautiful day when it is sunny, but even more so when it rains. And it rains and rains.

But of course, if the rainy days are too long, and I don't see and feel the sun, I'll start to mentally suffocate. I need the sun, but I love the rain. Oh the bigger the moon, the happier I am at night.

Ever notice after a rain, and the clouds part to give way to the sun, that everything just glitters? Oh my god, so beautiful. The light so faintly emerging, and the grass just so green and sparkling. The sky such a baby blue, and clear. The birds chirping again. It's like a rebirth of everything. So wonderful, it really is.

:)

2011-04-23T22:59:00.001+08:00

Hmmm.. Someone I know am a bit more friendlier than usual. He's raising my suspicious flag.

But if his intentions are sincere and true, then I welcome all of it~ :)

Played with my guitar today. Wow, my passion to play it has increased by tenfold. My dear piano, you can wait for a little while. Guitar is my first love.

I definitely miss melodious songs. My Chemical Romance older songs are one example, rock but strong melodies that just by singing on its own is awesome enough. I don't like songs where it's nice to hear it, but to just sing it... makes me feel retarded, no tune, or just plain repetitive. Something meaningful, melodious, emotional and intense is my thing. That's why even if rap is powerful and all, I want melodies. Tune, pitch, my emotions manipulated by the tone and pitch of a good singer.

The more intensely melodious it is, the more I will love it and it will be stored in my permanent memory. This goes with people as well, especially for guys. If they have a nice smooth manly voice, I am more able to overlook more physical 'defects' than if the voice is just normal. I can fall for someone just by hearing their voice. I am an auditory girl. Partly because my eyesight isn't strong while growing up, so I depend on sound, gut feeling and touch. Though now I am able to see much clearer, I am very sensitive to sound and touch.

Do you use your intuition often? For me, my intuition is strong towards my family. Anything weird, strange or new, even if its something simple like my father carrying a letter that's for me, I can sense it. Sometimes it is uncomfortable, especially if dealing with strong awkward emotions. Like if my mother crushes on the guy she sees on tv, I can feel it. Which is really something I still have not gotten used to. If there's going to be a fight or what, I can feel it before it happens. Strangely, they cannot really feel me as strong as I do. For friends, it is not as easy. But it will be easier if there's any sexual feelings involved. Yes, a little odd. If I like that guy enough, I can usually sense if he is within the building. I can't tell if I am going to meet him today or not, but I can sense if he is nearby.

Okay, enough. I want to play~

2011-04-22T22:38:00.001+08:00

I'm seriously wondering how I would be like.. under the influence of alcohol.

I suck at life in my normal self.

2011-04-22T21:55:00.000+08:00

I hate my mind. So full of shit, and creepy stuff. Nothing entertains me now. Watched scream 4, slept through. Except for the twist part, that one was alright. After going for premiere seating, I hate the chairs in normal cinema. Uncomfortable.

I miss old songs. So full of soul, pain, that quality to it that can bring my heart alive. I keep dreaming that I might fall. I was on a stairs, just stairs and all around me, and below me was darkness. And then currently, I have morbid dreams. Like that time, I had a dream about a guy whom I love, kidnaps me, and makes me sleep.

He lays me on a surgery table. He is suddenly a doctor. He wishes to cut me open, but instead caress my face. Then, he decides to lay down with me. Next thing I know, I am actually a dead person, in the mortuary with him alive still lying beside me. He wants to die with me. Last thing I saw was there was a tube from his heart to my heart. Somehow we're both alive, but I am mentally dead, and he's emotionally dead.

Wow. Most romantically disturbing shit ever.

2011-04-21T23:43:00.002+08:00

Whenever I am happy... I wanna..you know..

:)

2011-04-21T23:18:00.000+08:00

I had a real good time today. Watch a funny movie in a premiere cinema! I love the service and their food. Felt like a rich girl for a while~

I made a new friend today! Super friendly too! And she seem the most innocent of all the friends I have. :)

I went for job interviews, came back home to my family that is cheery today!

Wow, I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. Thank you God.

:) hope you guys had a great day too!

2011-04-20T21:33:00.001+08:00

Give me a knife, and some drugs, I want to cut off my fats.

Yes, I lazy. LOL.

2011-04-18T22:11:00.001+08:00

What's the use of thinking about you? I have no more desire to carve a deeper hole in my heart. Why should I mourn for someone whom I never had? I am tired of hoping for you. I will try to forget you, to dim your images in my head. To blur out your voice within my ears.

You didn't have the sensitivity to care nor notice nor did you have any interest in me. You are always lazy. So absorbed in who could entertain you, not who that really cared about you. I harboured an illusion of the you that I wish you really were.

I had forgotten why I even like you. You didn't invite me to anywhere, and you're always not there when I am around. My belief in you was just pure delusion.

All we had was just useless chit chat. I don't even know your favourite color. Not like you would even bother to tell me that, nor find out whats mine. My favourite color is red by the way. Always talking to that friend of mine, because she is so much hotter, cooler. I am actually baffled at myself for enduring your ignorance to my presence beside you. I feel stupid remembering how I just smile, and sucking up all the jokes you made of me.

When I look into your eyes, I saw how insignificant I am. You didn't even bother to watch your tone when you talk about me. When I am right in front of you. Yeah, who cares right? Why the hell did I even waste my heart on a jerk like you? Oh yes, there's only one thing right about me. How stupid I am to love someone like you.

It's a mistake I won't want to repeat again. I actually want to spit in your face.

Loving you has been a painful journey that lead me into believing my existence was nothing. It has been a continuous fight on my part to just mantain my cool. My heart was in a journey of self-destruction because my heart refuse to believe the truth but the 'love' I felt for you. It is disgusting to me how little you think of me.

You know what? This love and so-called 'respect' I had for you is now dislike and disgust. You are a pest to me. Don't be surprised if I start being cold to you. You had this coming for a long time, dick.

Yes, to even dislike you hurts me. But sooner or later, you will just end up in my list of 'jerks I use to crush on'.

Because it sickens me to think that fifty years from now, I might actually remember you. And remember that I had once loved you, had my faith in you, cared and prayed for you even though you treat me like garbage.

Enjoy your life without me. And I pray that you will not do this to any other girls out there. They deserve better.

2011-04-17T23:00:00.000+08:00

I was in my trance , again. Instead of trying to snap out of it, I let myself sink in. Deeper, and deeper, until even though my eyes are open, I can only see what's in my mind.

I know I cannot snap out of it as easy anymore. So, I tried something new. I imagine him coming towards me, walking, with a bright light behind him like an angel. He look at me, his eyes boring onto mine. He caress my face, and then my neck, tilting my head to the side.

He kissed my neck, and hugged me. With his lips just above my neck, his warm breath going in and out, he breathe onto my neck..'Let me have her'.

And he just breathe in slow and deep, and I could feel something within me followed his breath and left me, in a whoosh. I felt instantly lighter, and I immediately snapped out of my trance.

I sit down, just staring, so surprised that it work. I actually manage to regain control. So far, (right now its 10pm), I have not went into a 'trance' again. So far, no blackouts either. I felt like a huge weight left my chest. I breathe much deeper now.

So far, so good.

And whatever, you will just think this is as some nonsense. But recall again, those times you had nightmares, or imagine something scary or pleasant, the effects are real isn't it? You could feel them physically, didnt you? So why dismiss this as bullshit?

2011-04-16T21:03:00.000+08:00

Mika's pansexual? YES!

Any pansexuals out there? Love to meet ya, at least I can be myself. :)

2011-04-16T15:14:00.000+08:00

Wake up. Wash my face. Feel the emptiness getting bigger. Insert TV shows, friends, family, porn, thriller books. Feel the emptiness fade a little. Think about my dreams. Cry. Go back to sleep.

Wake up. Wash my face. Repeat.

2011-04-16T13:54:00.002+08:00

I am not embarrassed about the mess that I am, at least if I have another face to hide from. People always see the happy me, the smiling, always laughing (and even annoyingly), loud, horny and crazy me. But, within the walls of the web, I can feel safe and lose my guard. I can show you the angry me, the side that is struggling with extreme mood swings, the side that tries to be quiet, the me that craves true love, a me that is really ordinary/tragic/affectionate/passionate.

All you have to do to talk to this side of me, is bring me a mask. Yes, just try it. Bring me a mask, make me wear it, and ask me questions that you want to know. Whether I have a crush on you, which guy/girl I did love before (because I am bi, tho Im more for guys) , what is my darkest secret, what I really think about you (you usually won't like what I think about you, I am a liar most of the time, even when I cry I might just be lying). Only do this if you're ready to deal with raw honesty.

I am a moderate pathological liar. I like to lie, thats why through acting some of that energy is channeled. It is my way of escaping reality,( because my reality is dull, non-stimulating, and so ever routine). Or through jokes. I am not sane sometimes.

I don't know, I guess I want someone to see the real me, face to face. Barenaked Siti Aisyah. Not just Aisyah (light), not just Siti (dark), but Siti Aisyah. But I know its pathetic that wearing a mask can bring out both sides. I guess it's a start.

I am becoming more open now. I am releasing my secrets slowly. I don't see the point in holding them. It just gives me a stronger reason to hide. Secrets are just things that I am not ready to tell anyone. And by giving away my secrets, I can see who can truly handle me, who I can trust my life with, who can put up with me, who can love me even though they don't like everything about me.

For every secret I release, I feel forgiven by myself, and free to embrace who I am.

2011-04-15T15:51:00.001+08:00

I cried today, thinking. No, knowing. Realising that after 26 May, I won't see you again. We lose in touch, and you'll fade away into a memory.

I didn't know why but today I exploded. I cried, screaming for you to just call, sms, anything to me. Give me some sort of delusion. Of course, its insane. How could you feel me psychically right?

I wanted you. I still do. I love you. I am afraid that it is too late to tell you. But I am so scared that our friendship can't handle it. I didn't want anything to be awkward. But I know I am not as important as you are to me.

Trust me, I tried what I can to stop me from developing any stronger feelings for you. But, its always there.

I sincerely want to show my affection. But I am not known for it, and I don't know if I can handle your rejection. I am jealous, because you show more attention to the others. Not that I always want you to focus on me, but I could feel I am on the sidelines.

What can I do, huh? Just tell you that I like you? Hint to you? Seduce you? All I could do is help you when you needed help, make you laugh, greet you, smile at you, listen while you complain, try to understand you. I don't think anything else will work, because sometimes to be with you, I have to pretend to be someone else.

It hurts. Sometimes I dream of you, just there holding my hand or hugging me, and I woke up, and I realize its all fake. I can't help but bite my lips so I will be distracted.

Deep inside, I know this is not going anywhere. But I was holding on to a hope. To a hope that was never meant to be.

I wish I could tell you. I really wish to, so that this burden will be gone. But, somethings stopping me. I'm sorry, but you'll never know. And I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.

Goodbye, my dear dear friend.

2011-04-11T22:19:00.000+08:00

I swear, if I have the money right now, I WILL GO OVER TO WHERE U ARE, and get a picture and autograph of you,Mr Jim Parsons!

You better work hard and stay sane, stay healthy, happy, and always so sweet and lovely, and keep staying on top of your game!! I want to meet you!

I pray and wish you all the best in EVERYTHING you do, choose, think about, simply everything is happy and sweet, with sprinkles of wisdom and growth for you!! The world is your oyster, as you very well said so!!

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!! Fuck man, I need to go get a life so I can MEET U!

2011-04-11T02:32:00.002+08:00

My running has paid off! I've lost one more kg! SPLENDID. okay, so gotta keep sticking to it and I'll ve healthier in no time~

and thanks to jazz, I've managed to download all of The Big Bang Theory seasons!! Wooohoo! No offense Jim but as much as I love your performances, the prices here are ridiculous. Okay okay, I'll buy at least one season.

Love ya~ :))

And if anyone knows f any job vacancy, please feel
free to call me~ I am tired of bumming at home~

2011-04-09T23:24:00.000+08:00

I am so fucking horny right now. Omg. I don't know what causes it but these few days, or should I say weeks, I am really having the hots.

I need to find someone who can talk dirty with me, or enjoy dirty jokes for as long as it can go~ Sigh. I love dirty jokes..

2011-04-09T14:56:00.000+08:00

I am getting more and more amused with homophobia. I love both the gays, the bisexuals, the asexuals, the straights, everybody~

I am confused as to why the gays are now able to marry but CAN'T divorce. Laugh out loud!

But whoever is into children or into beasts, dead people or whatever else.. Shame on you.

But whoever you are, whatever your sexual orientation, it doesn't give you the right to touch me anyohow, or come on too strong unless you're Jim or Michael, because it's me you're dealing with. As much as I love passionate love making, you will have to pay the price to get to this unending treasure. Impressing me is just not enough anymore.

Jim Parsons

2011-04-09T01:50:00.002+08:00

I'm really smitten with this guy. Or should I say.. my attraction is bordering on obsession..

:P He is extremely delicious. Todd, if its true, you're a REALLY LUCKY man. Congrats on landing on such a fine gentleman.